it took some doing but i finally managed to get back to working on this site
i feel like i've struggled to put together a place/space/landscape
where i can let my thoughts/feelings/musings (that's the title!!) flow freely
yet, here we are now
summer weighs heavy on me these days. as I wade through May
into the mugginess and slow heat of June
I come back to/pick up on just how much longing I hold for time with my grandparents
both of whom have since passed into being ancestors
this is different than my grief, which no linger clings to me
my grief is familiar and a part of me in the same way that
language
love
breath
are parts of me
what accompanies me in the months of May and June cuts through the hum of cicadas and
caws of blue jays
and tussles of house sparrows
and thrums of A/C
it is a longing for memories to become present; for recollection to reverse temporal reality
for the asks of my father booting up in my head on the phone
to share how Mami is faring to cut through the silence of both of our feelings
that we miss her
that we miss Papi, too
I catch myself before my foot's in my mouth because our conversation is going well
and I think how, too, my father and I connecting is a throw of spirit to elsewhere; heaven; beyond
to say "we have not forgotten our charge"
to love
to persist